Dear Dan: I am a 37-year-old heterosexual woman in a monogamous relationship with a het cis male. Let’s call him “Rick.” We’ve been together for five years and engaged for two. Our sex went from passionate, fun and frequent early in the relationship to nearly nonexistent now. I have gently initiated conversations about how to spice it up—sexy dates, sex toys, new positions, even non-monogamy—but Rick never took me up on any of my suggestions. I encouraged him to get bloodwork done, thinking maybe it was a decline in testosterone or something. I loved him and was legitimately concerned. I also made the pact with myself that I could live with only having sex 4-5 times a year because Rick brought so much “good” to the table. Outside of sex, our relationship is supportive, positive and fun.
Fast forward: I recently learned that Rick has a profile on an online dating app. We are not in an open relationship, even though I’d offered that as a possible solution to our sex woes. After some mild questioning, his story unraveled. He admitted to exchanging sexy pics and videos with more than 20 women on the internet over the last few years. He was apparently going into our spare bedroom or bathroom to make and send these videos—sometimes when I was home, sometimes when I was waiting in bed for him. After talking with a friend, she confided in me that Rick’s ex had discovered dozens of sexting convos on Rick’s phone with strangers when they were together.
My questions are both general and specific to me. First, is it possible for someone to be incapable of physical intimacy when there is love involved? I’m no expert, but it strikes me as troubling that Rick can’t make love with me—going so far as to blame it on hormonal shifts—when it’s not biological at all; he just prefers to jerk off with strangers. Is this actually a thing? Only being physically attracted to an anonymous, impersonal, meaningless stranger? My next question is: Is there hope for a future with Rick when he is lying to me—a GGG partner who wanted to work through this—and also lying to himself? I think I know the answer, but: am I better off alone?
—Sick Of Rick’s Dick Image Doings
Dear SORDID: Yes, SORDID, some people are incapable of being physically intimate when love is involved.
There are straight men out there with what’s called Madonna-whore complexes; these men can’t make love with and/or fuck women they love and respect. These men view sex as dirty and degrading, and they don’t wanna do dirty and degrading things with (or to) women they have feelings for. Frankly, I don’t know what would be worse: being married to man that refused to fuck me (because he respected me too much) or being fucked by a man like that (because he didn’t respect me at all). On the flip side, there are straight women who seem to have husband-material complexes. There are guys they can see themselves married to and possibly having kids with—husband material, e.g., good, kind, reliable guys—but those aren’t the men they’re excited about fucking. Instead, it’s bad, unkind, unreliable guys that turn these women on.
Oh, and there’s a new type of long-term, committed, romantic partner out there who doesn’t wanna fuck people they love: freysexuals.
A freysexual may love their romantic partner and wanna marry that person and make a life with them, SORDID, but a freysexual doesn’t wanna and/or can’t fuck someone they have strong and/or any feelings for. Basically, love is erotic kryptonite to the freysexual. Being freysexual doesn’t excuse your fiancé’s dishonesty, SORDID, assuming he is freysexual. Simply put, if your fiancé is freysexual and knew that about himself—even if he didn’t know there was a word/bespoke sexual orientation for him—he should’ve disclosed that to you. And if he only just realized it, he should’ve accepted your invitation to renegotiate the terms of your commitment, i.e., take you up on your offer to have an ethically non-monogamous relationship. (For the record: I’m not suggesting that freysexuality isn’t a legitimate sexual orientation—freysexuals already have their own pride flag, and we all know how high that bar is—but I am suggesting freysexuals shouldn’t make sexually-excusive commitments to romantic partners or demand sexually-exclusive commitments from romantic partners.)
Whatever the deal is with your fiancé, SORDID, weddings are not famous for reviving sexually moribund relationships. So, if you want more than supportive, positive and fun vibes from your future husband—if you want regular and decent sex on top of all that—don’t marry this guy. But if the idea of being in a companionate marriage with this man appeals to you, SORDID, that’s something you should explore with the help of a couples’ counselor.
Oh, and if sexting women he barely knows is his primary sexual interest and outlet, SORDID, your fiancé already opened your relationship—on his end. There’s no reason you should have to wait to open it on your end.
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