A humble suggestion
On April 5, I, and I’m sure many of you, watched the Boulder City Council host a public comment meeting in regards to the proposed assault weapon ban for the City of Boulder. While it was inspiring to hear the impassioned cry for more legislation, I want to offer guidance on how we can do even more. Hearing the descriptions of horrifying shootings really got me thinking, and this might be hard for some people to consider, but is it time we ban murder? Nobody wants to see more innocent people laid low for no reason, so I think the law needs to get involved here and say enough is enough. No more killing and no more murder, it clearly is just that easy. I want to see our very knowledgeable city attorney really put his nose to the grindstone here and get some laws in the books making murder illegal. If you disagree, it’s clearly because you hate children and want to see them killed.
In fact, we can do even more than that. Do you know where 100 percent of school shootings have taken place? That’s right, in schools. We need to ban school, it’s clearly a threat to the public wellbeing and a tool of tyranny. How many more students have to die before you pass common sense school control? As pointed out by the crazy constitutionalists on Thursday night, blunt objects account for far more murders than guns do, and I think that needs to be addressed as well. I propose that all hammers from now on be made out of foam rubber. What, you think you’re a carpenter or something? Nobody should own a metal hammer, it’s 2018 and they just don’t serve a purpose. Trust me, I used to work in a mechanic shop, regular people don’t need metal hammers. Have you ever seen what a Dead Blow assault hammer can do to a finger? I have, it’s not pretty.
Hands and feet are also extremely common to see as murder weapons, so it’s time to give them up, you crazies. Go to your doctor right now and demand they amputate, unless you just want to see children die. It’s the 21st century, people, you don’t need appendages anymore. Siri can order food for you and you can get voice-to-text programs so you don’t have to type ever. You Bible-thumping thumb-lovers are a relic of the past, and you might be compensating for something by insisting you need hands and feet at this point in history.
We have a long way to go, but I think these rational, common-sense measures are the only logical next step. Whatever we do, always remember what our illustrious City Council is telling you: You are never and should never be expected to take responsibility for your own safety. That is the job of lawyers and police officers, they owe you absolute protection against anything that frightens you, to say otherwise is just right-wing paranoia.
Nathaniel Jordan/via internet
The new left
I haven’t worked on a campaign for Congress since high school, only presidential, but I’m throwing my hat and my time into the ring for Mark Williams to take Jared Polis’s seat. There was a headline on the front page of the New York Times the other day that perfectly captured why: “Democrats face primary shove from new left: Upstarts are challenging veterans for Party’s soul.”
That’s exactly what I want, the money out and the soul back into the Democratic Party. I always study the Boulder Weekly endorsements before I vote, so I hope you will strongly consider endorsing Mark.
Sarah Townes/Boulder
Mike Foote’s record protecting Boulder County makes him right for D.A.
This June, Boulder County voters will have a simple question to answer: which candidate for District Attorney has done more to protect Boulder County? Thankfully, the answer to that question is easy.
Mike Foote has spent the last 14 years fighting to protect this community as a Deputy District Attorney in the Boulder D.A.’s office. He’s taken on the tough cases, including juvenile justice cases, domestic violence and complex economic crime. In each of those cases, Mike was asked to protect some of Boulder County’s most vulnerable citizens.
For the last six years, he has continued his work protecting Boulder County in the legislature. As the representative for eastern Boulder County in the statehouse, Mike has spent every single day fighting to keep us safe. In particular, I’ve been so impressed with the work he’s done to fight fracking. He has become enemy No. 1 of the oil and gas industry at the Capitol because of the bills he’s authored and the battles he’s fought to protect our county and our state from the dangers of drilling.
Beyond just fracking, Mike has been an advocate for progressive criminal justice reform. As District Attorney, he’ll fight for increased funding for human services so that drug offenders and the mentally ill can get the treatment they need instead of unnecessary jail time. He’ll enact progressive bail reform measures, and he’ll never use the death penalty.
Mike Foote is a community leader whose record proves he’ll protect Boulder County. It’s no wonder he’s been endorsed by over 70 community leaders and elected officials including every Boulder County legislator and all three commissioners. I’m proud to support him and I hope you will too.
Shari Mallot/Longmont
