Dear Dan: I’m a gay male college student in a healthy D/s relationship with a bisexual guy. My boyfriend posts pictures of our kink sessions to his Tumblr. (No faces.) A trans woman active in campus queer politics confronted me today. Ze had seen my boyfriend’s Tumblr (!) and recognized me (!!!). Ze demanded I stop engaging in BDSM because ze has to see me on campus and knowing my boyfriend “controls and abuses” me is triggering for zir. Ze said images of me in medical restraints were particularly traumatizing. Ze was shaking and crying, and I wound up comforting zir. I stupidly let zir think I would stop. Now what?
— Scenario Utterly Bananas
P.S. Ze also threatened to out my boyfriend if ze saw new pictures go up on his Tumblr. My boyfriend is already out — about being bi and being kinky — so he laughed it off. But how fucked up is that?
Dear SUB: You tell this woman you take orders from your boyfriend, SUB, not from random campus nutcases. You advise zir to stay away from Tumblr porn ze finds traumatizing. And if ze pushes back, you explain to zir that if anyone’s being controlling and abusive here, it’s zir. And if ze starts shaking and crying, SUB, direct zir to the student health center.
And for your own protection, SUB, tell zir all of this with at least one witness present. Document everything, and if ze keeps getting in your face about your consensual, nonabusive D/s relationship, take the ironic step of filing a restraining order against zir.
Dear Dan: I’m a 24-year-old gay male. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. I have a hang-up when it comes to anal sex. I like bottoming, and I’ve had my fair share of great experiences, but I’ve bottomed only once with my boyfriend. I think I’ve identified why: The ceremonies around anal sex (the lube and condoms part) turn me off due to the smell of the lube and the sound of the condom wrapper. It brings up memories of times when I didn’t have a great time bottoming. Additionally, he is a little bigger than most, so there’s that. What do you suggest? Would it be as simple as finding a lube that doesn’t smell so much? When I top him, which is something we both enjoy, there isn’t a problem.
— Wants Anal Now, Goddamnit!
Dear WANG: Usually when someone complains about an unpleasant smell associated with anal sex… lube isn’t the issue. But that’s an easily solved problem, WANG, so easily solved that you bundled the answer up with your question: There are 10 million brands of lube on the market, kiddo. Shop around until you find one that doesn’t offend your nostrils.
As for the condom-wrapper issue, try opening condoms 10 or 20 minutes in advance. Condoms are likelier to be an interruption — one that derails hot butt sex — if you wait until the split second before penetration to bust one out. Open condom packets early, WANG, and put the condom on the BF during foreplay. That way, if the fumbling deflates your bottom-boner (which is a state of mind), you’ll have time to make out, roll around, rim each other, stroke yourself — whatever it takes to get your bottom-boner back.
To get a handle on your performance anxiety and those negative associations — bad memories of lousy experiences, fear of your boyfriend’s big ol’ dick, concerns about whether you’ll have to bail — get some butt toys of varying sizes, and use ’em when you’re alone. With no boyfriend around to disappoint, the penetration will be about your pleasure. In a month or two, with a little effort and non-stinky lube, you’ll have built up a store of positive associations and gained some confidence.
And finally, WANG, if nothing works… maybe you’re a top?
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