Dear Dan:
I’m a cis woman in my late 20s. About three months ago, I had my first one-night stand. I’ve noticed my thoughts have continued to gravitate toward this man ever since — despite having other sexual partners in the interim. I recently ran across his profile on Tinder — however, I’m fairly sure he hasn’t logged on for a while as certain things weren’t up to date. While I obviously swiped right, I’m curious as to whether it would be seen as inappropriate or possibly invasive if I were to reach out via the powers of social media. The night we had went well — it was all incredibly comfortable sexually, and I found him very interesting to talk to both before and after we hooked up. I should mention that I left rather swiftly that evening without grabbing his number in an attempt to “play it cool.” I definitely don’t want to cross social or personal boundaries, but I’d like to see him again.
— Creep
Dear C:
There’s nothing creepy about letting someone you fucked know you wanna fuck ’em again or, hey, maybe even date ’em for a while. It gets creepy only if they don’t respond, or if they politely decline, and you keep letting them know you would like to fuck/date them some more.
You liked him, you had a nice time, the sex was good — and you left, stupidly, without his number for fear of looking clingy or uncool. Social media has come with costs — trolls, bullying, Donald Trump’s Twitter feed — but the ability to locate someone and ask for a do-over/screw-over is one of the benefits. So look him up on Facebook or Instagram and send him a note. If you don’t hear back, consider yourself swiped left and move on.
Dear Dan:
I’ve been lying to myself. I told myself that stability and friendship were more important to me than sex. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, and we’ve been married for five of those. We were best friends, and I was already in love before we started dating and before we ever had sex. I should have known in the beginning that we weren’t sexually compatible, but I chose to ignore it (or I chose stability and friendship). I chose my best friend and have been suffering ever since. Luckily, I listen to your advice on a regular basis, and I’ve started having more open conversations about my feelings and my wants and needs. About a year ago, my husband and I decided to open our relationship. This was all my idea, and I’m not sure he’s fully into it. We agreed to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, and a month ago we finally acted on it. I met someone in an open relationship and had sex with them. It was amazing — everything about it. In the end, I didn’t feel guilty, but I did want to tell my husband. I still feel the need to get his approval, but I also know that he doesn’t want to hear it. If he gave me the go-ahead, even though everything was my idea, should I feel guilty, or just happy for finally getting what I needed from someone? Are there baby steps I can take to tell my husband these things, or do I just keep them to myself? I feel like this is saving our marriage, but society probably just looks at me like a cheating whore.
—Feelings Are Insanely, Terribly Hard For Unsure Lovers
Dear FAITHFUL:
You have your husband’s approval to do what you did, but his approval was contingent upon you not telling him what you did. Honor the commitment you made to your husband, FAITHFUL, by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll doubtless have conversations in the future about your relationship, and about monogamy, and you can ask him if he wants to stick with “don’t ask, don’t tell.” If he says yes, continue to keep your mouth shut.
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