NEW DIET TO START THE YEAR
What if we told you there was a way to start the new year off right with a brand new, 100 percent effective diet that lets you eat all the fast food you want? You’d come down to our office with a welding torch and ask for the head of whomever wrote such a silly statement, wouldn’t you?
Well put down your blowtorch, Carl, because we’re not lying. The diet is called “The Eating at Chipotle Diet,” and more and more people are seeing the light of this new diet and are speaking out about it.
“I lost so much weight I nearly died,” said a single mother of four.
“I just kept eating burritos, and then I blacked out for about two months, and now I’m as fit as I was in middle school,” said Step by Step actor Patrick Duffy.
The diet works like this: You eat as much Chipotle food as you want and secret magic nutrients called “E. coli” and “norovirus” turn your intestinal system into a real-life, high stakes game of Chutes and Ladders, reducing your body’s ability to digest food and pesky calories.
The Chipotle Diet is even recognized by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration as a “food-borne illness” that is under “investigation,” and request- ed a “broad range of documents” from the company in a “grand jury subpoena” to see just how they’re getting such fabulous results.
REPUBLICANS ANGRY BECAUSE OBAMA WANTS TO PROTECT CHILDREN AND CHRISTIANS
Even when President Obama publicly weeps about the deaths of first graders and Christians, Republicans still label him a “petulant child” who only seeks to tighten gun control laws to get what he wants.
Well, it was specifically New Jersey Governor Chris Christie who called Obama a “petulant child,” because calling people “children” seems to be Christie’s favorite put down. In January 2015, Christie criticized local media in New Jersey for acting “like children” after various media outlets reported that the governor invited five national outlets behind closed doors for an off-the-record briefing on his State of the State address.
And honestly, how dare those journalists try to do their jobs? Children, indeed!
But Christie wasn’t the only Republican from this cesspool of candidates to feel enraged that Obama would give a damn about the lives of the very groups the GOP purports to protect. While the President’s executive action will in no way change the fundamental nature of the Second Amendment, The Donald told attendees at his rally in Biloxi, Mississippi, on Jan. 2 that, “We’re not changing the Second Amendment.”
That’s right, Donald — we’re not changing it. Good job!
He also added, quite articulately, might we add, “I will veto that. I will unsign that so fast.”
You unsign that nasty executive order that protects innocent people and religious freedom, Donald. You unsign that. So. Fast.
Jeb Bush said that Obama has “a pattern of taking away rights of citizens.” We wonder if he felt hypocritical saying that as a man that will forever be known for disenfranchising thousands of black Florida voters during the 2000 election and the Supreme Court battle that ultimately put his brother George Dubbya Bush in the White House.
If weeping over dead children and Christians still elicits the ire of these Republicans, it’s clear guns matter more than people. God bless America.
