What is real anymore?
We live in a crazy world. This week saw the director of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) support leaving the Paris climate agreement, while the Secretary of State, and former ExxonMobil CEO, asked to stay in.
We also saw the president tweet out a word — “covfefe” — in the dark of the night, with no explanation, while the next morning, hundreds of 10-year-olds showed they’re smarter than him by spelling words he could only dream of tweeting in the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
A girl in Tennessee was accepted to Yale after writing an essay about ordering pizza from Papa John’s, which we know was made up because no one eats Papa John’s pizza.
Hamburgers are hot dogs, up is down, Droxies are better than Oreos. What is real anymore?
In times like these, it’s good to have a beacon of truth. How about motel billionaire Robert Bigelow, who told 60 Minutes that aliens are here and they already live on earth? That sort of explains everything. Trump’s an alien, Scott Pruitt’s an alien, Papa John is an alien, and they’re all trying to bring us down and confuse us with pseudo-science, misspelled words and 47 Peyton Manning commercials in a row.
Have it your way, Belgium
As President Trump returns from his international vaycay, Americans cringe waiting to know the fallout. Who did Agent Orange piss off this time, and when can we expect to start WWIII?
Shockingly, it was another American institution that rocked the European boat this week and took us one step closer to nuclear war: Burger King.
In an effort to market its first Belgium location, the fast food chain launched a campaign asking the Belgian people: Who do you like better — the good ol’ American corporation that produces mediocre food or the actual monarch of your country, King Phillippe?
Wow, Burger King, that is a cold, if not genius, way to upset a leader with low approval rating. (We can’t lie. If a European company — maybe a French bakery called President Pastry — came to the U.S. and tried the same marketing tactic, we’d vote cream puffs every time.)
No word yet whether Belgium intends to campaign on behalf of its king. So far representatives have stated that he is “not amused.” Now that’s no way to get votes for your cause, Phillippe.
We’re not sure what happens if BK actually wins the poll, maybe its spokesperson in the creepy king face mask will challenge Phillippe to a duel. Maybe BK will bring in Ronald McDonald and Wendy to join his cause. One thing’s for sure, the world will never look the same.
