PINKWASHING OVER SOME UGLY TRUTHS
We’re beginning to think the National Football League (NFL) only cares about money.
Now before you call us liars and hurl yourself out your office window in protest, hear us out. Despite having its players wear pink items throughout the month of October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the NFL and Commissioner Roger Goodell fined Pittsburgh Steelers running back DeAngelo Williams $5,787 for writing “Find the Cure,” on the strips of eye black he wore under his eyes during this past week’s game.
The fine comes weeks after Williams, who recently lost his mother to breast cancer, was denied by the NFL the right to wear a pink item throughout the season in order to honor his mom.
Simultaneously, another Steelers player, William Gay, was fined the same amount by the NFL for wearing purple cleats in support of domestic violence awareness. When Gay was 7, his mother was shot and killed by his stepfather, and he has been featured in public service announcements about the cause for years.
Earlier in the year, yet another Steeler player was fined by the league for writing “Iron Head” on his eye black, following the death of his father, Craig “Ironhead” Heyward, a former NFL great. Heyward died of cancer.
And yet, a study by Business Insider magazine found that only 8 percent of the proceeds of sales of pink NFL merchandise goes to actual cancer research. But the NFL being a dick about players’ personal tributes might be bringing more attention to the noble cause of breast cancer awareness than all the pink it put out on the football fields.
DON’T DEBATE, WRAP YOUR CANDIDATE
Have you ever found yourself in your lover’s naked embrace wondering, “How can I continue to support my country, even during intimate moments like this one?” Sure you have — what real American hasn’t? Paradise Marketing has the answer to your erotic, patriotic conundrum: the Political Condom Collection — “for the cynic in all of us.”
These condoms come in four red, white and blue political designs with slogans like, “Either way, you’re screwed,” and “Thin as a politician’s promise.”
Honestly, we tried to write something funnier than the press release announcing these condoms, but we couldn’t do it:
“The condoms exceed the industry standard for unrivaled comfort and safety, in these uncertain political times.”
So while Jeb Bush might be uncertain about how much humans are influencing climate change, you can feel certain that you’re protected from STIs and unwanted pregnancy. And “premium latex” means you can feel safe changing positions more times than Hillary on marriage equality, the Trans-Pacific Partnership and immigration combined. You can make flippy-floppy while watching Marco Rubio flip flop on, well, damn near every topic.
And don’t fear: you can buy enough Political Collection condoms to make it through the next 12 months of this circus sideshow we call a presidential campaign. The condoms are available in a 40-piece jar, a master case of 24 assorted jars or a bulk case of 1,000 non-assorted pieces.
So while you’re listening to some candidate tell you who you should and should not marry, what you should and should not do with your body or whether you should or should not be a citizen of this country, you can have peace of mind in knowing that whatever asshat we elect, you’ve played it safe sexually.
“Don’t Debate, Wrap Your Candidate.”
