Dear Dan: My boyfriend and I met online to explore our kinks. We’d both been in relationships with kink-shaming people who screwed with our heads. Since we weren’t thinking it was more than a hookup, we put all our baggage on the table early and wound up becoming friends. Eventually we realized we had a real connection and started a relationship where we supported our desire to explore. I’ve never been happier. The only issue is how he gets down on himself if I get more attention than he does. After the first kink party we went to, he would not stop trying to convince me that no one looked at him all evening. I tried to boost his confidence, and I also brought up things like “You were on a leash, so maybe people assumed you were off-limits.” No dice. I couldn’t get him to even entertain the notion that anyone even looked at him. He’s a cross-dressing sissy who loves to be used by men — heterosuckual — and he has a lot of baggage with every last one of his exes citing his cross-dressing as a reason to leave him for a “real” man. To make things worse, we have had issues with guys coming over for him, finding out there’s a Domme female in the picture, and switching focus to me. I feel like I wind up avoiding kinky sexual situations (which I love!) because I’m so concerned about protecting his ego. I’ve tried using my words and we generally communicate well, but he is unwilling to entertain any interpretations that don’t mesh with his theory that he’s obviously undesirable. The breaking point for me was this past weekend. He encouraged me to go to a swingers party with a friend, and I had a blast. It was super-empowering, and all I wanted to do was tell him every detail — the way he will when he services cock — and he was so jealous that I was able to effortlessly get so much attention, he wasn’t ready to hear it. It made me feel the same sex shame I felt with my ex. It also made me feel like he was insinuating how could I get so lucky, which hit all my chubby girl self-conscious places hard. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated!
—Seeking Insightful Stress Solution, Yup
Dear SISSY: Tell that sissy to get over herself.
Your boyfriend is making you feel guilty about something you have no control over: Women get more attention at mixed-gender sex/play parties than men do. And as far as your respective kinks go, SISSY, there are always going to be more people out there who want to get with Domme women than guys who want to get with/be serviced by submissive heterosuckual cross-dressers. Your boyfriend will always attract less interest than you do at a kink party, just as someone who goes to a BDSM play party hoping to do a little knife play will attract less interest than someone who’s looking for a little light bondage. Instead of counting the number of guys who approach you at a party and then trying to ruin your night for getting more attention than he does, your boyfriend has to make the most of every opportunity that comes his way.
And if some guy approaches him at a play party only to realize he’s on a leash, SISSY, isn’t that guy supposed to turn his attention to the Dominant partner? If your boyfriend could resist the urge to spiral down at those moments — if he could resist the urge to make himself the center of negative attention — those men would probably turn their attention back to him at some point, particularly if you encouraged/gave them permission to do so. (You could and perhaps should also make it clear to anyone who approaches you at some-if-not-all kink parties that you’re a package deal: You play together or you don’t play at all. But even then, your boyfriend has to accept that you’ll be leveraging your desirability on both your behalves and be at peace with it.
Usually when I advise readers to “use their words,” it’s about making sexual needs clear, i.e., asking for what we want with the understanding that we may not always get what we want. But what you need (and you need to use your words to get), SISSY, is for your boyfriend to knock this petty, hypocritical slut-shaming shit off. (He’s essentially shaming you for being the slut he’d like to be.) It might help if you got him to recognize and grieve and accept not just the reality of the situation — women with more mainstream kinks are more in demand at mixed-gender kink parties than men with niche kinks — but also the risk he’s running here: His insecurities are sabotaging your relationship. Him setting traps for you — like encouraging you to go out and play only to make you feel terrible about it afterward — and making hurting insinuations about your attractiveness is making this relationship untenable. Tell him that you’re going to dump him if he can’t get a grip. And then ask him what will be worse — being partnered with someone who gets more attention than he does in kink and swinger spaces or being a single male in those spaces. (It’s a trick question, at least partly, as many of those spaces don’t allow single males.)
Dear Dan: Straight woman here with a penis question: My current partner is uncircumcised, which I am completely fine with. However, his foreskin is so tight that it can’t be pulled back over the head of his penis. I did my research and discovered the issue is phimosis. I asked him about it, and he said it’s always been this way and that sometimes it is painful. None of his doctors have seemed to notice it during exams, and he’s never brought it up. Oddly enough, this is something that I’ve come across with two different partners — and in both situations, they had issues with maintaining an erection. Is this a thing?
—My Boyfriend’s Penis
Dear MBP: Phimosis is definitely a thing, MBP, and when it makes erections a painful thing, as it often does, then erections are going to be harder to obtain and sustain. And unless a doctor was examining your boyfriend’s erect penis, it’s not something a doctor would notice. A good doctor will ask their patients about their sexual health and function, but — based on the mail I get — it seems very few people have good doctors. Looking on the bright side: Phimosis is easily treated, if you can persuade your boyfriend to ask his doctor about it. Smearing a steroid cream on his cock could stretch and loosen the foreskin. And if the cream doesn’t work, then a full or partial circumcision will do the trick.
Dear Dan: I love my boyfriend, and he knows I like women, too. Our sex life was OK, a little boring and routine and always “doggy style.” And he hardly ever goes down on me — like, at all. I can count on one hand the number of times he’s done it in four years! So I agreed to have a threesome to spice things up, and we bought condoms. When we got down with another woman, he decided to have sex with her after me and he also decided to go down on her. You know, the thing he never does for me. I’m so upset now, I can’t even have sex with him. I feel like it was a betrayal of my trust for him to eat out a woman he barely knows when he won’t do that for me. He also didn’t use the condoms—he says he “didn’t have time.” He said it meant nothing. But it’s really got me upset.
—Now Overlooking My Need Of Munching
Dear NOMNOM: Not only would I have been upset during that threesome, NOMNOM, I would have been single very shortly after it. Dude doesn’t eat pussy — dude doesn’t eat your pussy — and can’t find the time to put a condom on when he wants to (gets to!) have sex with another woman in front of you? DTMFA.
On the Lovecast, sex workers’ rights advocate Elle Stanger: savagelovecast.com.
