It pains me to say this, but summer is coming to an end. All the college students are back in town, pumpkin spice lattes are available at Starbucks again and Labor Day is here.
Every year, all I think about is why we came up with such a sadistic holiday that convinces us summer is over three weeks before it actually ends and what that even has to do with wearing white pants past September.
The origins of Labor Day aren’t as heralded as those of other federal holidays, but honestly, it doesn’t matter because knowing the origin story doesn’t make this weekend any less emotionally complicated to navigate.
Pros: There are no costumes, decorations, fireworks, gifts, family members guilting you for not coming home or any other traditions that make most holidays insufferable. It’s mostly just a three-day weekend that revolves around eating potato salad, day-drinking next to a body of water and scoping out those discounted prices at Mattress Warehouse.
Cons: It’s a dreadful reminder that summer is ending and soon we’ll be forced to start wearing fleece and pretending to care about football. No matter how old you are or where you’re at in life, Labor Day makes us feel like fun time is over and it’s all back-to-school anxiety from here on out.
I’m sure most of us have mixed feelings about this time of year and change in general, but you need to repress that shit along with the rest of your trauma because now is not the time for emotions. If you’re at a loss for how to behave, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered with these do’s and don’ts for the upcoming weekend.
Don’t: Wait to buy your weed.
Labor Day is one of the biggest weekends of the year for retail cannabis, so going to the dispensary this weekend is like heading to the grocery store on Thanksgiving morning: you have no clue what’s left in stock, but you’ll definitely be stressed by the crowd of other people who waited until the last minute and also don’t want to be there. According to BDS Analytics, Colorado dispensary sales between Friday and Sunday of Labor Day weekend in 2016 reached $17.3 million, making it the highest-selling weekend of the year. While the official stoner holiday 4/20 means more product deals and higher sales volume for dispensaries, those don’t necessarily translate into more money. High sales are indicative of tourists enjoying their final adventures of the summer before the weather gets colder and Red Rocks Amphitheatre closes. I’m sure Phish also has something to do with those numbers, considering they play their annual three-day show at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park during this time every year. No matter what your plans are, try to stock up on all your party favors beforehand.
Don’t: Worry about arbitrary fashion rules.
It’s already bad enough that we have a holiday to celebrate labor, but now we have to retire all of our white clothing and open-toed shoes in its honor? Sorry, but I own a pair of white jeans that my ass looks great in year-round and I think Chacos are acceptable footwear up until the Front Range sees its first snow. The weather in Colorado is indecisive most of the year, so you can put your summer clothes away when your local climate and social schedule call for it. If it still looks like summer, and feels like summer, it’s summer. Having 80-degree days in October is pretty common and there’s no sense hiding your white clothes if the UV index is still going strong. However, this is probably the final days for crop tops, sun dresses and any swimwear you’re trying to pass as street clothes. Pretty soon we’re not going to be able to leave the house without a jacket, so live it up in your denim cutoffs and enjoy not worrying about someone stealing your Patagonia puffy from the bar.
Do: Reflect on your summer.
Take at least two seconds to reflect on how amazing your summer was before remembering how not-excited you are to go back to school or back to pretending to work. Life goes by fast and you’ll only be able to experience the summer of 2018 once, so it’s important to reflect from a place of intention and gratitude.
