Dear Dan: My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for 11 years. His best friend is one of his exes, and that has always bothered me. What do I do?
—Needing Guidance After Getting Engaged
Dear NGAGE: You could make up your mind to get over it, NGAGE. Or you could threaten to break off the engagement unless your fiancé cuts his best friend out of his life. That would be an asshole move — that would be an emotionally manipulative asshole power move. But, hey, you wouldn’t be the first person to wait for the moment of maximum leverage before telling your partner that, despite what you led them to believe (or allowed them to assume), they are going to have to choose between their best friend(s) and the person they’re about to marry or just married. Fair warning: If you issue that ultimatum and your fiancé (or husband) writes in and asks me what to do, I’m going to tell him to leave you.
Dear Dan: I’m a 58-year-old happily married gay man, and I have a well-hidden kink that I’ve had since childhood: I get off on destructive, city-smashing giants — think of Godzilla as a muscular man smashing things with his dick. Since this is impossible to realize, I rely on drawings and other images. After Tumblr removed the adult content, I found my way to newer websites. Some featured manga-style drawings of giant prepubescent boys. I’ve NEVER experienced any attraction to children, but these cartoons are a turn-on. Does lusting after cartoon images of boys make me a pedophile?
—Freaky Erotic Art Requires Serious Self-Scrutiny
Dear FEARSSS: If you aren’t sexually attracted to children, FEARSSS, you aren’t a pedophile. Pedophilia is not something a non-pedophile drifts into after viewing a little squicky manga. Pedophilia, according to the best and most current research, is a hardwired sexual orientation — one that can never be acted on for moral and ethical reasons. That said, I would urge you to avoid viewing or downloading this stuff. It’s illegal in the United States (and lots of other places) to possess drawings or computer-generated images of children that depict “a minor engaging in sexually-explicit conduct,” per federal law. I don’t know whether your local prosecutor would consider viewing drawings of giant prepubescent boys smashing buildings with their dicks as a criminal offense, but I’m sure you don’t want to find out. Avoid those websites.
Dear Dan: I understand the pleasure received by the “suckee,” but I need help understanding what benefit or pleasure the “sucker” derives from the exchange. Is it the taste of come?
—Confusion Over Cocky Knobblers
Dear COCK: We do it for the glory, COCK, and that warm feeling that comes over us when we can look up and say, “Emission accomplished.” (Sorry about that.)
Dear Dan: Where can a gal go to find reluctant/nonconsensual porn that isn’t overly rapey? I really love power play (think “naughty secretary gets punished”) — but when I look for reluctant/nonconsensual porn, I often come across male-perspective rape fantasies. I’d love to wank to a video or story about a woman reluctantly enjoying herself while her aggressor fucks her up the ass, but every search is fraught with the perils of finding something truly rapey. And that just makes me feel sad and icky. I’m willing to spend money if I trust the source. I just don’t know where to look! Is the issue with my keywords? Help!
—Really Enjoys Specific Pornographic E-Content, Thanks
Dear RESPET: “This is one of the things people don’t understand about ethical and feminist porn — it’s not just soft lighting and sweet lovemaking,” said Tristan Taormino, the feminist author, sex educator, podcaster, and porn director (tristantaormino.com). “Ethical and feminist porn can also have an edge and feature power play, so long as there’s consent. My series ‘Rough Sex,’ which has three volumes, is all about real women’s kink fantasies, and there will be something in there for RESPECT (you can find it on gamelink.com). In addition, I recommend bellesa.co, where she can use the search term ‘rough,’ and xconfessions.com, where she should search for ‘BDSM.’”
Dear Dan: I’ve written before to ask if there is a newspaper or online publication that translates Savage Love into Spanish. If there is, I can’t find it. I can hardly believe no one does this. Can you give me a simple answer, please?
—Something’s Lost In Translation
Dear SLIT: Simple answers are my specialty, SLIT. As far as I know, my column isn’t translated into Spanish. But it can be read in Italian in Internazionale (internazionale.it), the weekly Italian newsmagazine. (I have to give a shout-out to Matteo Colombo, who does an amazing job of translating my slang-laden, neologism-packed column into Italian every week! Thanks, Matteo!)
Dear Dan: I’m a 57-year-old man, and I have been in a relationship for 10 months. I have some erection problems that are helped by ED meds. The issue is I haven’t told my girlfriend I’m taking them. I take a pill when we are together “just in case,” but this is costly and the resulting lack of spontaneity makes me anxious. Also, I feel like I’m holding on to this secret.
—Please Send Advice
Dear PSA: Call your girlfriend. It’s time you had the talk. Give her your reasons. Tell her it’s not her fault — and, really, it’s not her fault or yours. Men don’t take boner pills because they aren’t attracted to (or horny for) their partners, as some fear. The reality is quite the opposite: Horny men take ED meds. She may need to hear it a few times before it sinks in, PSA, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. And, if she enjoys the sex, she should be as grateful for these meds as you are — and she shouldn’t want you to waste them any more than you do.
Dear Dan: I’m a bi guy in my late 20s. I date women and occasionally hook up with guys. In between, I have toys. My question has to do with something that happens when I’m using a dildo and stimulating my prostate: During intense stimulation… I pee (I think)? My confusion lies in the fact that what comes out is clear and doesn’t smell like urine. I know there’s a debate about female squirting and whether it’s urine, but I’m still very confused. But is this normal for a man? Should I worry?
—Leaking Everywhere And Knowing It’s Not Good
Dear LEAKING: Your dildo isn’t just stimulating your prostate gland, which produces the milky fluid that comes flying out of your cock when you ejaculate, but your Cowper’s glands as well. The Cowper’s glands are located just under your prostate and they produce a clear fluid, aka “pre-come,” that basically flushes out your urethra during arousal. Urine is acidic, and acids can harm sperm cells. So pre-come neutralizes whatever acids might be lurking in your urethra — basically, pre-come makes sure your urethra is a safe space for your sperm cells. Some men produce very little pre-come, some men produce buckets of it, and some men produce more under particular circumstances. Don’t worry, LEAKING, just enjoy.
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