1. What’s with all the caging in gay porn?
The appeal of male chastity devices seems obvious to me: a cock cage instantly turns the most important thing about a male porn performer into the least important thing. Paradoxically, male chastity devices pull visual focus toward a performer’s dick — they draw the eye — while shifting the focus of the action away from the performer’s dick. Gay guys into dirty talk enjoy saying things like, “I’m just a hole, Sir!” but gay guys who wear male chastity devices really commit to the bit. Also, quality male chastity devices — like the ones made by the evil geniuses at Steelwerks (steelwerksextreme.com) — aren’t cheap, so conspicuous consumption, consumer culture and late-stage capitalism all factor in.
2. I’ve been having more sex ever since opening up my relationship. I had an experience with one of my hookups where I wasn’t able to stay hard and ever since then, it keeps on happening. I feel like now I get so in my head worrying about if I’m hard or if I’m going to get hard that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do you have any advice on how to get out of my head and stop worrying about being hard?
Taking ED meds — temporarily — can help boost your confidence and get you out of your head.
3. I am a sex-repulsed asexual. I would like to have a committed romantic relationship that does not involve sex. Committing to me means forgoing sex entirely, as the idea of my partner being sexual with others is repulsive to me. Am I obligated to disclose my asexuality? When I disclose these facts in advance, I am refused dates. When I wait until I have been dating someone for some months to disclose these facts, I face angry accusations of deceit.
If I asked a woman out on a date and spent months wining and dining her, that woman would make the perfectly reasonable assumption that I was interested in her romantically and sexually. And when she found out I wasn’t interested in her — when she learned I was leveraging her perfectly reasonable assumption (he’s into women) to get some other thing I wanted (her Netflix password) — she would have every right to be furious with me.
Just as the overwhelming majority of men who date women are straight, the overwhelming majority of people seeking romantic partners are sexual. By failing to disclose your acute asexuality in advance (lifelong celibacy is a big ask), you’re weaponizing the reasonable assumptions others might make based on your actions to get what you want. And not only shouldn’t you do that, I don’t understand why you need to. The Internet exists, and sex-repulsed asexuals can find other sex-repulsed asexuals online. If getting on a dating app for asexuals doesn’t appeal to you, get on Twitter or BlueSky or Threads and look for people complaining about sex scenes in movies and ask one of them out.
4. Is it safe to put numbing cream on your partner’s dick as part of D/s pleasure denial?
Number creams are safe to use on dicks — as are more torturous creams, like Ice Hot or BENGAY — but they’re not safe to use on holes, as a numb hole is an easily injured hole. If you put numbing cream on your sub’s dick, be sure to roll a condom over it before you slide that zombie dick into your ass or pussy.
5. I love getting facials — the cum kind — but my partner won’t come on my face. How to convince them?
You can only impress upon him that facials are something you enjoy — maybe he’ll come around (and come on your face) maybe he won’t. If he thinks they’re degrading and doesn’t wanna degrade you, explain to him that desired degradation play is affirming, not degrading. If he’s worried you’ll wanna kiss him with his load all over your face, promise you’ll go wash up immediately after. If it’s just not something he enjoys for reasons he can’t fully articulate, take no for an answer.
6. My husband has a huge cock and wants anal. I’m afraid of that giant thing dick in my ass. Help.
Buy two sets of insertion toys ranging in size from much smaller than your husband’s dick to ever-so-so-slightly bigger than your husband’s dick. Using lots of lube, work your way up from the smallest toy to the largest toy over a period of months. Having lots of orgasms along the way will help to create a strong association between anal penetration and sexual pleasure. Oh, and you’re going to need two sets: one for your ass and the other for your husband’s.
7. Favorite blowjob techniques? Specifics, please! Spare no tip or no trick.
Entire books have been written about blowjob techniques: There’s no way I can list every tip and trick here. Quick pointers for the cocksuckers out there: use lots of spit, use your hands (the best blowjobs are 50% handjobs), play with the nips a little, tug the balls a lot and sustain erotic tension during short breaks with eye contact and dirty talk and pumping away at that dick with your fist. For the cocksuckees out there: FFS, don’t just lay there or stand there! Since there’s nothing in your mouth, you’re free to use your words. Ask what kind of feedback your cocksucker enjoys — encouraging dirty talk, degrading dirty talk, some combo of the two — and let them have it!
8. Does the booty remember how to take certain sizes of dick? Is there muscle memory?
If you’ve taken larger dicks and your big-dicked partners provided you with lots of anal foreplay, used lots of lube, took it slow, etc., you and your booty will be less anxious, less fearful and more relaxed when that big dick comes at you again. It’s less about muscle memory and more associating anal stimulation/penetration with pleasure. It’s the good times a booty remembers, not certain sizes.
9. What’s the best way to dispose of old sex toys? I feel bad putting something with batteries in the trash.
Fast Company recently wrote up the movement to keep trash out of landfills by tasking manufacturers, not consumers, with the safe disposal of consumer goods: “Swedish academic Thomas Lindhqvist framed this idea in 1990 as a strategy to decrease products environmental impacts by making manufacturers responsible for the goods’ entire life cycles — especially for takeback, recycling and final disposal.” If we can make that work for computers, phones and video game consoles, it should work for vibrating remote controlled butt plugs — but since these systems aren’t up and running yet, you’ll have to put those old sex toys in a box and shove them in the back of your closet for the time being.
10. Autistic here. What are the “general rules” for texting? I forget people exist after two days with no response.
I have an autistic acquaintance who set a twice weekly “text alarm” on his phone. When it goes off, he scrolls through his recent text messages. He responds to people he didn’t get back to when they texted him and politely checks in with people who haven’t responded to texts. Maybe that would work for you?
11. Is low T common or am I just getting constant ads for it because I’m 40 and gay?
It’s relatively common — but no one ever went broke playing on the insecurities of gay men in their forties and fifties. The benefits are real (improved sexual function, retention of muscle mass, improved mood) but there are real risks (moobs, clots, cancer), so best to talk to your doctor before getting on testosterone supplements.
12. Tips for moving in together besides lots of communication and giving each other enough space?
Equal division of household labor does not mean equal division of each and every task. So, if one of you doesn’t mind washing the dishes and is, in fact, totally excellent at it (like me), that person should wash the dishes. If one of you is the kind of controlling OCD freak who gets off on meticulously folding laundry for hours, that person should do the laundry (like my husband). Also, get my book Savage Love From A to Z and read the chapter on the “Price of Admission” aloud to each other in bed.
13. Can fecal matter from anilingus sicken you with something other than STIs?
Yes, it can — but eating a clean ass is less dangerous than eating at a buffet, IMO, where people who haven’t washed their hands regularly get fecal matter all over the tongs.
14. Woman, age 38, in a loving, long-term relationship. What’s your best tip for getting out of the inevitable sexual rut?
At the start of a relationship, you’re the adventure they’re on, they’re the adventure you’re on — it’s a combo that makes for effortlessly adventurous sex. If you want to get that adventurous feeling back after five or ten years, you have to go on adventures together, e.g., go to sex clubs, have sex somewhere you might get caught, book a joint session with an erotic body worker, etc.
15. Can I still be a lesbian even if I don’t like receiving oral sex? I like giving and other activities.
I will allow it.
P.S. There are gay men who don’t like anal (they’re called “sides”) and straight men who prefer eating pussy to fucking pussy (no catchy name). Masc lesbians who liked to give oral sex but didn’t like to receive it were once known as “stone butch dykes,” so lesbians like you — assuming you’re butch — have a catchy name and a storied history. Your pillow princess is out there.
16. I came out while in a manic episode. Am I still queer?
If you came out as intersex and you’re actually intersex, you’re still queer. If you came out as gay or lesbian but post-mania you’re no longer attracted to members of your sex, you’re not queer. If you came out as bi and post-mania you’re still attracted to people of both and/or all sexes and/or both and/or all genders, you’re queer. If you came out as sapiosexual or fictosexual or objectumsexual or pomosexual, you were never queer — just annoying.
17. Love lube for foreplay, but it ruins oral after using because of the taste. Recommendations?
Keep a warm, wet washcloth within easy reach.
18. How can I do, as a straight person, to express allyship to the LGBT community without looking like a virtue-signaling douche bag?
It’s less about what you can do and more about what you can stop doing. Stop discriminating against queer people, stop voting for people who attack queer people, stop giving straight friends or family members a pass when they say shitty things about queer people. Keeping your foot on someone’s neck requires a lot of effort. Stop making that effort.
19. Should poly people date people who aren’t poly? And if we do, aren’t we just setting everyone involved up for a lot of heartache?
Most people want monogamy, most romantic relationships are monogamous, most breakups involve monogamous people, so most heartache is generated and experienced by monogamous people — so, if we were serious about reducing the amount heartache in the world, what we need to do is convince monogamous people to stop dating each other.
P.S. “Someone who asks me out is single and available and ultimately looking for a monogamous relationship” — that’s another perfectly reasonable assumption people make. So, while a poly person may be available, they aren’t seeking a monogamous relationship, and they need to disclose that so the person they’re asking out can make an informed choice.
20. Should I leave my life as a country doc and move to Europe to improve my dating odds?
Get that EU passport, girl.
21. Where are these weird trends coming from in gay porn?
Miss Mazeppa said it best: “You gotta have a gimmick if you wanna get ahead.”
22. I know from unicorns, but my girlfriend and I can’t find a bi guy who is into both of us? What gives?
I shared your question with a woman — a good friend — in an open relationship with a bisexual guy. They’ve had some success landing bi guys (I’ve heard some stories), and she had some advice for you: “He should have his girlfriend create a profile on a kinky dating site and make it really good with lots of excellent photos and a specific, sexy and playful description of what she’s into and why,” said my friend. “Make it hot and the men will come. Finding a double match — finding someone who is into them both — is harder than just locating a bisexual guy, especially if they’re mismatched in age and (just going to be blunt) relative attractiveness. I say in my ads that I’m partnered and looking for hotwife/stag-vixen dynamics, which generates responses from men who are at the very least comfortable with another man being present. Sometimes these guys express bisexual interests, sometimes they don’t. Ultimately, it’s a numbers game that can feel like a full-time job. But there are bi guys out there, and they shouldn’t give up!”
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