Dear Dan: Married from 28 to 36, single the last three years, and celibate most of the last couple years. The last two years of my marriage were sexless, and I saw professionals until I was priced out. I could probably earn twice what I’m making now if I moved away, but my current job gives me the flexibility to spend afternoons with my young kids. Last year, I had a brief relationship (that included the best sex of my life), but I ended it because I needed more me time. So I lack the willingness or the confidence to be in a relationship, and I don’t have the cash to see pros. I’m not fussed by this. Should I be concerned about my celibacy?
— Absolutely Not Getting Sex Today
Dear ANGST: Seeing as your celibacy is intermittent and by your own choice (you walked away from the best sex of your life for me time? What kind of mid-’90s Oprah bullshit is that?), ANGST, you’re unlikely to wind up hanging out on an “incel” forum filled with angry, violent, socially maladapted men who blame the fact that they can’t get laid on women and feminism. So long as you continue to take personal responsibility for all the sex you’re not having, there’s nothing to be concerned about.
Dear Dan: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. When we first got together, we had sex every day. Then it dwindled. We had major problems along the way and separated this winter. During that time, he went to another state. We got back together long-distance, and I received many letters from him saying how much he wanted to have sex with me. He moved back two weeks ago, and we’ve had sex only twice. He used to say he wanted me to make the first move. But if he really wanted me, wouldn’t he make a move? I feel so neglected, yet he claims he loves me. Please give me some insight.
— No Sex For Weeks
Dear NSFW: He says he wants sex (with you), but he doesn’t make a move. You say you want sex (with him), but you don’t make a move. So how about this: The next few times you want sex, NSFW, make a move. If he fucks you two out of three times, maybe he was telling you the truth when he said he’d like you to make the first move. If he rebuffs you every time, then he doesn’t want to have sex with you — and you’ll have to make a move to end this relationship.
Dear Dan: I’m a youngish man who’s been in a loving relationship with an older woman for a year. The only area where the age difference comes into play is largely unspoken between us — she wants kids. All of her friends are having kids, and she’s nearing the end of her childbearing years. I’m nowhere near ready, and I sometimes question whether I want to be monogamous to any one person for life. We never discuss it, but I can tell how deeply this bothers her and that in her ideal world, I’d be ready to start planning a future with her. I’m racked with guilt at the possibility that by the time I’m ready for that level of commitment (or, worse, by the time I realize I never will be), she’ll be biologically incapable of having kids, which is really important to her. This is all complicated by the fact that this is easily the most loving, trusting, respectful relationship I’ve ever been in.
— Bond Afflicted By Year
Dear BABY: Speak, BABY: “Look, you want kids. I’m not ready, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready. Also, I’m not sure about lifelong monogamy. If we need to part ways so you can find someone who wants the same things you do and wants them now, I’ll be devastated but I’ll understand.”
CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE IN TORONTO: You’re in my thoughts, aka atheist prayers.
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