ARIES
March 21-April 19: Events in the coming week may trick your mind and tweak your heart. They might mess with your messiah complex and wreak havoc on your habits. But I bet they will also energize your muses and add melodic magic to your mysteries. They will slow you down in such a way as to speed up your evolution, and spin you in circles with such lyrical grace that you may become delightfully clear-headed. Will you howl and moan? Probably, but more likely out of poignant joy, not from angst and anguish. Might you be knocked off course? Perhaps, but by a good influence, not a bad one.
TAURUS
April 20-May 20: In the book A Survival Guide to the Stress of Organizational Change, the authors tell you how to raise your stress levels. Assume that others are responsible for lowering your stress levels, they say. Resolve not to change anything about yourself. Hold on to everything in your life that’s expendable. Fear the future. Get embroiled in trivial battles. Try to win new games as you play by old rules. Luckily, the authors also offer suggestions on how to reduce your stress. Get good sleep, they advise. Exercise regularly. Don’t drink too much caffeine. Feel lots of gratitude. Clearly define a few strong personal goals, and let go of lesser wishes. Practice forgiveness and optimism. Talk to yourself with kindness. Got all that, Taurus? It’s an excellent place to start as you formulate your strategy for the second half of 2016.
GEMINI
May 21-June 20: Normally I’m skeptical about miraculous elixirs and sudden cures and stupendous breakthroughs. I avoid fantasizing about a “silver bullet” that can simply and rapidly repair an entrenched problem. But I’m setting aside my caution as I evaluate your prospects for the coming months. While I don’t believe that a sweeping transformation is guaranteed, I suspect it’s far more likely than usual. I suggest you open your mind to it.
CANCER
June 21-July 22: As I gaze into my crystal ball and invoke a vision of your near future, I find you communing with elemental energies that are almost beyond your power to control. But I’m not worried, because I also see that the spirit of fun is keeping you safe and protected. Your playful strength is fully unfurled, ensuring that love always trumps chaos. This is a dream come true: You have a joyous confidence as you explore and experiment with the Great Unknown, trusting in your fluidic intuition to guide you.
LEO
July 23-Aug. 22: “You can only go halfway into the darkest forest,” says a Chinese proverb. “Then you are coming out the other side.” You will soon reach that midpoint, Leo. You may not recognize how far you have already come, so it’s a good thing I’m here to give you a heads-up. Keep the faith! Now here’s another clue: As you have wandered through the dark forest, you’ve been learning practical lessons that will come in handy during the phase of your journey that will begin after your birthday.
VIRGO
Aug. 23-Sept. 22: My devoted contingent of private detectives, intelligence agents and psychic sleuths is constantly wandering the globe gathering data for me to use in creating your horoscopes. In recent days, they have reported that many of you Virgos are seeking expansive visions and mulling long-term decisions. Your tribe seems unusually relaxed about the future and is eager to be emancipated from shrunken possibilities. Crucial in this wonderful development has been an inclination to stop obsessing on small details and avoid being distracted by transitory concerns. Hallelujah! Keep up the good work. Think BIG! BIGGER! BIGGEST!
LIBRA
Sept. 23-Oct. 22: After years of painstaking research, the psychic surgeons at the Beauty and Truth Lab have finally perfected the art and science of Zodiac Makeovers. Using a patented technique known as Mythic Gene Engineering, they are able to transplant the planets of your horoscope into different signs and astrological houses from the ones you were born with. Let’s say your natal Jupiter suffers from an uncongenial aspect with your Moon. The psychic surgeons cut and splice according to your specifications, enabling you to be re-coded with the destiny you desire. Unfortunately, the cost of this pioneering technology is still prohibitive for most people. But here’s the good news, Libra: In the coming months, you will have an unprecedented power to reconfigure your life’s path using other, less expensive, purely natural means.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23-Nov. 21: In high school I was a good athlete with a promising future as a baseball player. But my aspirations were aborted in sophomore year when the coach banished me from the team. My haircut and wardrobe were too weird, he said. I may have been a skillful shortstop, but my edgy politics made him nervous and mad. At the time I was devastated by his expulsion. Playing baseball was my passion. But in retrospect I was grateful. The coach effectively ended my career as a jock, steering me toward my true callings: poetry and music and astrology. I invite you to identify a comparable twist in your own destiny, Scorpio. What unexpected blessings came your way through a seeming adversary? The time is ripe to lift those blessings to the next level.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22-Dec. 21: Do you remember that turning point when you came to a fork in the road of your destiny at a moment when your personal power wasn’t strong? And do you recall how you couldn’t muster the potency to make the most courageous choice, but instead headed in the direction that seemed easier? Well, here’s some intriguing news: Your journey has delivered you, via a convoluted route, to a place not too far from that original fork in the road. It’s possible you could return there and revisit the options — which are now more mature and meaningful — with greater authority. Trust your exuberance.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22-Jan. 19: I love writing horoscopes for you. Your interest in my insights spurs my creativity and makes me smarter. As I search for the inspiration you need next, I have to continually reinvent my approach to finding the truth. The theories I had about your destiny last month may not be applicable this month. My devotion to following your ever-shifting story keeps me enjoyably off-balance, propelling me free of habit and predictability. I’m grateful for your influence on me! Now I suggest that you compose a few thank-you notes similar to the one I’ve written here. Address them to the people in your life who move you and feed you and transform you the best.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20-Feb. 18: After an Illinois man’s wife whacked him in the neck with a hatchet, he didn’t hold a grudge. Just the opposite. Speaking from a hospital room while recovering from his life-threatening wound, Thomas Deas testified that he still loved his attacker and hoped they could reconcile. Is this admirable or pathetic? I’ll go with pathetic. Forgiving one’s allies and loved ones for their mistakes is wise, but allowing and enabling their maliciousness and abuse should be taboo. Keep that standard in mind during the coming weeks, Aquarius. People close to you may engage in behavior that lacks full integrity. Be compassionate but tough-minded in your response.
PISCES
Feb. 19-March 20: Can water run uphill? Not usually. But there’s an eccentric magic circulating in your vicinity, and it could generate phenomena that are comparable to water running uphill. I wouldn’t be surprised, either, to see the equivalent of stars coming out in the daytime. Or a mountain moving out of your way. Or the trees whispering an oracle exactly when you need it. Be alert for anomalous blessings, Pisces. They may be so different from what you think is possible that they could be hard to recognize.
