We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudo therapy in the Instagram stories of astrology girls doesn’t cut it. Or maybe the gate-keeping culture of adventure bros has you fearing the judgment that comes with revealing yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column exists to hold space for you and your Boulder queries — especially the uncool ones.
Why is it so dry here?
If you want a literal, meteorological answer to this question, you could always pose it to the geekiest-looking (but in a hot way)
scientist at NCAR, and they might say something about air pressure, altitude blah blah yawwn. However, our semi-arid climate actually serves a far more fundamental and cultural purpose.
At the end of the day, our mutual experiences of having permanently dried-out mucous membranes or the transcendent smell in the air after the first real afternoon thunderstorm of spring are the only things holding our socially and economically fractured community together. Why is it so dry here? Because no amount of therapy can ever match the comfort of speaking to a Boulder dad in line at the grocery store about how much we needed that moisture.
I can’t keep working — what’s the best place to find a sugar momma?
Listen, we weren’t born to work until we die. For the young, broke and adorable, it’s totally ethical to use these qualities for some extra income. I say if a lonely older fella wants to buy me a glass of wine and then act super weird and avoid eye contact whenever he sees me in Whole Foods thereafter, that’s just a respectful transaction.
The literal answer is pretty obvious. Looking for a lady who has disposable wealth, doesn’t think too hard about how she spends it, and is easily manipulated? A White Woman at Wonder has already been manipulated into spending as much money on an itty-bitty grain-free cookie as you do on lunch and dinner combined. It’s time for her to do her part for the wage slaves out there and start being manipulated by your cute, overworked booty. If you wear short-enough shorts, you can even ask mommy for some adaptogenic mushrooms in your latte.
(Bonus points if you convince sugar momma that you’re a professional astrologer and charge her for these services as well.)
How are people in their 20s meeting friends outside of dating apps?
Acquire a seat near an outlet during peak-crowded time at the Trident and leverage your scarce and valuable resource to reel in a study pal
- Join a church
- Join a cult
- Join a cult-y church
- Join an ecstatic dance group that you find out later is also a cult
- Volunteer for a cause that you find meaningful and meet like-minded people (Hey, these answers don’t have to be sarcastic.)
Was Boulder always secretly conservative and I just didn’t notice, or has something changed?
It’s hard to conceive that the OG hipster Buddhists who scrambled the Flatirons on acid in the ’70s and ’80s turned into boomers making Nextdoor posts that could be mistaken for the most unhinged Fox News headlines. Similarly, for a county that went 64% to Bernie Sanders in 2016, Boulder has far too many Bumble guys identifying as “moderate” (though this might be a misguided attempt to gain broad appeal in the dating pool). Rising income inequality and the heated discussions around it have simply brought to light what always lurked in the #Resist neoliberal shadows. The excesses of the Reagan era may have ultimately seduced the baby boomers to sell out, but they were probably always a little racist to begin with.
Got a burning Boulder question or conundrum? Message @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram, or email [email protected] with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”
