Dear Dan: I’ve been with the same amazing man a dozen years. We’ve had our ups and our downs, same as any other couple, but these days life is better than it ever has been for us. Except in the bedroom. A few years ago he started having fantasies about sucking dick. Specifically, he wanted to suck a small one because his is very big and he wanted to “service” a guy who’s less hung than he is. Which is fine except it’s now the only thing that gets him off. We seldom have sex since now because his obsession with sucking off a guy with a small dick makes me feel unattractive and to be honest I don’t share the fantasy. I even let him suck a dude off in front of me once and I didn’t enjoy it at all. He tells me he still finds me attractive but when we’re having sex the talk always goes to how he wants to take “warm and salty loads” down his throat. I’ve told him I’m not into it but he enjoys talking about it so much he can’t help himself. I thought by allowing him to live out his fantasy would help him “get over it,” so to speak, but that didn’t happen. So now we just don’t have sex except once every few months. I’m not sure how to make him see that it’s just not my thing and to get the focus back on just the two of us.
—Loves Obsesses About Dick Sucking
Dear LOADS: If you can look at your partner and think, “Things are better than ever!” despite the dismal state of your sex life, LOADS, I hate to think what life with him used to be like.
There’s not an easy fix here. If you’ve already told your partner the “warm and salty load” talk is a turn-off and made it clear it’s the reason your sex life has pretty much collapsed and nevertheless he persists with the “warm and salty load” talk, well, then your partner is telling you he would would rather not have sex than have sex without talking about warm and salty loads.
Now I’m assuming that you actually told him how you feel, LOADS, in clear and unambiguous terms and that you said what you needed to say emphatically. And by “emphatically,” LOADS, I mean, “repeatedly and at the top of your lungs.” If not — if you’re doing that thing women are socialized to do, i.e., if you’re downplaying the severity of your displeasure in a misguided effort to spare your husband’s feelings — then you need to get emphatic. Sometimes it’s not enough to tell, LOADS, sometimes you have to yell.
You’re obviously GGG — you’re good, giving and game — but your partner has taken you for granted and been almost unbelievably inconsiderate. Because even if he needs to think about sucking dick to get off, LOADS, he doesn’t need to verbalize that fantasy each and every time you fuck. Even if you were into it, which you’re not, it would get tedious. And it wasn’t just selfish of him to ignore how you felt, LOADS, it was shortsighted. Because women who are willing to let their husbands talk about wanting to suck a dick — much less suck a dick — aren’t exactly easy to come by.
I guess what I’m trying to say, LOADS, is that your partner really blew it. If he hadn’t allowed this obsession to completely dominate your sex life — if he’d made some small effort to control himself — you might’ve been willing to let him act on his fantasy more than once. But as things stand now, it’s hard to see how you come back from this, LOADS, because even if your husband can manage to STFU about warm and salty loads long enough to fuck you, you’re going to know he’s thinking about warm and salty loads. So the most plausible solution here — assuming that you want to stay with this guy — would be for him to go suck little dicks (once circumstances allow) while you get some decent sex elsewhere (ditto).
Finally, a lot of vanilla people think — erroneously — that acting on kink will somehow get it out of a kinky person’s system. That’s not the way kinks work. Kinks are hard-wired and kinky people wanna act on their kinks again and again for the exact same reason vanilla people wanna do vanilla things again and again: because it turns them on.
Dear Dan: This isn’t a sexy question, but you are wise and I am confused. I have been friends with a woman for about 16 years. She’s very funny, creative, loves to have a good time. She’s also intense, not very bright, and my family and friends do not like her around. Now that we’re grown we do not see each other often, but I’ve been glad to maintain a friendship with her and get together now and again. Enter: my wedding. At the reception she made a fool of herself (and me) by going on some strange, racist rant. The racist thing really surprised and disappointed me and when I asked her about it she shrugged it off like, “Oh, just add that to the list of dumb things I do when I’m drunk.” Other things she’d done when she’s drunk: two DUIs, waking up in jail with an assault charge, having sex with strangers, etc. It’s been about seven months since my wedding and I’ve basically been ignoring her while trying to decide what to do. I love my friend, but I do not want her hurting anyone else on my watch. Do I call her up and end it? See her once a year when no ones around? Ignore her until she dies?
—Loyal To A Fault
Dear LTAF: Tell your racist friend to give you a call after she gets sober and confront her about her racism then — you know, when she’s actually capable of remembering the conversation, reflecting on what you had to say, and perhaps changing for the better. If she can’t get both sober and better, LTAF, make sure she isn’t registered to vote and then ignore her until she dies.
Dear Dan: I’m a young white woman, and my last boyfriend, a black man, left me two weeks ago. Ever since, I have been masturbating only while thinking about black guys. My question is: Do I have a “thing” for black guys now? I’ve accepted that our relationship is over, but it was really intense. I feel disgusting after I masturbate, because it feels gross and not respectful toward my ex somehow. What do you think?
—Desperately Horny For Black Men
Dear DHFBM: Masturbate about whatever the fuck turns you on, DHFBM, and if you’re worried someone would find your masturbatory fantasies disrespectful… don’t tell that person about your masturbatory fantasies. I suppose it’s possible you have a “thing” for black guys now. (What’s that thing they say? Actually, let’s not say it.) Unless you are treating black guys as objects and not people, or you fetishize blackness in a way that makes black sex partners feel degraded (in unsexy, nonconsensual ways) or used (in ways they don’t wish to be used), don’t waste your time worrying about your fantasies. Worry about your actions.
On this week’s Savage Lovecast, yes it is possible to be both horny and depressed. Also, hear the tale of intrepid mountain climbers, and what they can do in their harnesses.
Send emails to [email protected], follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage and visit ITMFA.org.
