Dear Dan: My boyfriend of 1.5 years shared (several months into dating) that he has a fantasy of having a threesome. I shared that I had also fantasized about this but I never took my fantasies seriously. Right away, he started sending me Craigslist posts from women and couples looking for casual sex partners. I told him I wasn’t interested in doing anything for real. A few months later, we went on vacation and I said I wanted to get a massage. He found a place that did “sensual” couples massage. I wanted nothing to do with this. During sex, he talks about the idea of someone else being around. This does turn me on and I like thinking about it when we are messing around. But I don’t want to have any other partners. I’m like a mashup of Jessica Day, Leslie Knope and Liz Lemon if that gives you an idea of how not-for-me this all is. When I say no to one idea, he comes up with another one. I would truly appreciate some advice.
—Boyfriend Into Group Sex
I’m Not
Dear BIGSIN: Short answer: Sexual compatibility is important. It’s particularly important in a sexually-exclusive relationship. You want a sexually-exclusive relationship; your boyfriend doesn’t want a sexually-exclusive relationship — so you two aren’t sexually compatible, BIGSIN, and you should break up.
Slightly longer answer: Your boyfriend did the right thing by laying his kink cards on the table early in the relationship — he’s into threesomes, group sex and public sex — and you copped to having fantasies about threesomes, BIGSIN, but not a desire to experience one. He took that as an opening: maybe if he could find the right person/couple/scenario/club, you would change your mind. Further fueling his false hopes: you get turned on when he talks about having “someone else around” when you two have sex. Now lots of people who very much enjoy threesomes and/or group sex were unsure or hesitant at first, but gave in to please (or shut up) a partner, and wound up being glad they did. If you’re certain you could never be one of those people — reluctant at first but happy your partner pressed the issue — you need to shut this shit down, Liz Lemon style. Tell him no more dirty talking about this shit during sex, no more entertaining the idea at all. Being with you means giving up this fantasy, BIGSIN, and if he’s not willing to give it up — and to shut up about it — then you’ll have to break up.
Dear Dan: I’m an 18-year-old woman who has been with my current boyfriend for a year, but this has been an issue across all of my sexual relationships. In order to reach climax, I have to fantasize about kinky role-play-type situations. I don’t think I want to actually act out the situations/roles because of the degrading/shameful feelings they dredge up, but the idea of other people doing them is so hot. This frustrates me because it takes me out of the moment with my partner. I’m literally thinking about other people during sex when I should be thinking about him! What can I do to be more in the moment?
—Distracted Earnest Girlfriend Requires A Different Excitement
Dear DEGRADE: Actually, doing the kinky role-play-type things you “have to” fantasize about in order to come could help you feel more connected to your boyfriend — but to do that, DEGRADE, you need to stop kink-shaming yourself. So instead of thinking of those kinky role-play-type things as degrading or shameful, think of them as exciting and playful. Exciting because they excite you (duh), and playful because that’s literally what kinky role-play-type things are: play. It’s cops and robbers for grownups with your pants off, DEGRADE, but this game doesn’t end when mom calls you in for dinner, it ends when you come. So long as you suppress your kinks — so long as you’re in flight from the stuff that really arouses you — your boyfriend will never truly know you and you’ll never feel truly connected to him.
On the Lovecast, Alana Massey on the misguided Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act: savagelovecast.com.
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