Dear Dr. Jenni,
I’ve been married for two and half years but always felt a little off with my husband. I fantasize about women a lot, and currently have a crush on a female co-worker. I think I might be a lesbian. I don’t want to tell my husband this because I don’t want to hurt him. Plus, we have a son. But I’m scared shitless because I don’t want to be untrue to myself.
—Leaning towards Lesbian
Dear Leaning,
Disguising or disowning any part of our human identity will cause grief, stress and other painful feelings. If you can find a safe space, I highly encourage you to explore the depth of your sexual identity. This might be chatting with a friend or therapist, or going to support groups. If you feel that you prefer to be with women, you will eventually have to tell your husband. This may hurt at first, but living a lie will hurt him, and you, even more in the end.
This may not mean the end of your relationship with your husband. Many couples who find themselves in this situation stay married for legal benefits and platonic companionship, but agree to sexual partners outside the marriage. Or your relationship may take the form of a strong friendship where you coparent your son. You need to be open to the possibility of your husband being angry and wanting a divorce. However, if you work through this issue in couples therapy, then he may better understand your need to be true to yourself, and executing an amicable separation will be far more easy to accomplish. Remember, you have one life to live, and living it as authentically as possible will offer you the most happiness.
Dear Dr. Jenni,
My boyfriend has a very small penis. He’s wonderful — handsome, smart, helpful, affectionate and emotionally considerate. But he just doesn’t fill me up when it comes to sex. I really don’t want to leave him over this because it feels too superficial and ridiculous, but I’m lacking sexual pleasure and don’t know what to do.
—Looking for Something Larger
Dear Looking,
I don’t think you need to leave the relationship. As I’ve said in many a column, a man is far more than just his penis, and in your case, he sounds like he’s a fabulous catch. Of course, this doesn’t preclude you from being disappointed with the disproportionate fit between the two of you. While your disappointment is justified, it sounds like you are crediting his small penis size for causing a lack of pleasure. Keep in mind that pleasure comes in many shapes, sizes and activities. I’m not sure what other types of sexual fun you already partake in, but I suggest continuing to explore the world of outercourse. You may find that intercourse is not the meat and potatoes of your sex life. However, opening the world of outercourse can only help expand your repertoire and sexual potential to places you never dreamed possible. For instance, you may have him wear a strap-on at times. Or you can try it on, too. Many couples use dildos and vibrators, fingers and tongues. He can use a cock ring to help increase blood flow to the penis, which accentuates a bit in the size department.
He may still be learning, but you know what they say about men with small penises … they make the best lovers! Creating pleasure becomes a more creative and exciting endeavor.
Those with “shortcomings” make long strides in other areas.
Send questions for Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., to drjenni@theintimacyinstitute. org. Skyler is a sex therapist and boardcertified sexologist who runs The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, www.theintimacyinstitute.org.
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